The Gift of 30 Hours

This piece is comprised of heart-impressions of the last 30 hours of Dad's life and is dedicated to Pastor Tina Green and the loving caregivers of Holy Family Hospice in Parma, Ohio.  I have never had the honor of being at a loved one's side at the time of their passing. On the eve of Father's Day, the presence of all three of his kids was our final gift to our father--a send off full of love--into the arms of Jesus.  It is a verbally impressionistic piece--an auditory and tactile reflection.  I invite you to allow the words, the font, the spacing, to direct your reading from speaker to speaker, from moment to moment.

June 15-16, 2012

Talk to him.  Don’t stop. 

Always act as though he knows

exactly what is going on.

Dad, we’re all here with you. 

We won’t leave your side

We’ll hold your hand and won’t let go.

He seems to be holding on for some reason

Is he waiting for someone? 

Daddy, are you waiting for someone?

No, I don't think so...we’re all here, his three children,

But he knows the only woman he ever loved can’t come.

Dad, are you waiting for Mom? 

You know she can’t come,

but we promise you—we’ll take care of her.

His temperature is up again.

There's a peace I've come to know...
Hearing is the last thing to go.

Though my heart and flesh may fail...
Talk to him.  Sing to him. 

There's no anchor for my soul...
Heartbeat steady, his heart is so strong

His hands still warm, breath uncertain…

He has moved into Cheyne-Stokes breathing

What kind of breathing?

Cheyne-Stokes—abnormal respiration of active dying active

dying active dying active

dying active

dying

the letting go breath

Mr. Harris, I’m going to give you morphine by mouth

.I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain I will rise on eagles' wings…

Heartbeat slower  s l ow I  y    s   l   o    w   i     n       g

S l i p p i n g   a w  a  y    daddy don’t go

sis go get brother hurry daddy we love you daddy no matter what

its ok to go don’t be afraid we will take care of mom we’ll be fine

i can’t hear his heart I can’t see it beat its ok to let go run

daddy run into the arms of Jesus daddy he’s waiting daddy

rise on eagle’s wings

we love you so much tell  ahhh    grandma we love her tell grandpa

too its  ok we’re here we love you can you hear we

ahh   l o v e    y o u  nothing else matters we

love you no matter what   ah    w  e   l  o   v   e     y   o   u    s o        

last breath synced with final beat

soul not to be trapped by pacemaker can’t even

keep the rhythm when its time

of death 9:03 PM Father’s Day Eve, June 16, 2012.

Don’t look back it’s not him

Victory disguised as void, dark, still

                          Silence

We three huddle at his feet in the dark hold tight sobbing tears falling

       F

         A

           L

           L

              I

                N

                   G

            S

              L

              I

            D

         I

   N

G

into one pool

Don’t look back

Do you want to stay with him for awhile?

No we don’t want to stay it’s not him he did not remain we

sent him off on eagle’s wings with 1000 kisses and

hugs and I love you’s across 30 hours

Free.      No more pain.      To Jesus

Nothing else matters...Lord, may we never forget this moment.

Nothing else matters but this bond…of family,

Nothing else matters the only thing Dad ever  

wanted was for us to come together—one heart, family,

Untethered by chains of

resentment

presumption

misunderstanding.

Two soldiers salute flag draped casket

13 folds

White gloved hands precision snap sweep the corners sharp

stars sewn not silkscreened

TAPS play on the hill by the Sergeant at arms

“On behalf of the President of the United States…”

the Lieutenant presents the flag to the eldest of the three

Final

Turn away, don’t look back

orphans walk, arms linked, under an

Infinite Blue sky

Mid-June sunshine

Gentle warm breeze

Peace



*Lyrics from "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin